guilt

I feel awful. My mind is filled with “what if’s” and “should have’s” What if I’ve stopped chatting with my boss for a while. That could have waited even for 5 minutes. I should have held on to BG while typing. It was so fast, not even a minute. BG was just standing beside me.

BG fell off our 16-step stairs yesterday. I heard several thuds while I was running when I heard her first cry. I was wondering why it won’t stop. I thought she just slipped on the way to our room. I even saw her falling down from the 3rd step down to the ground. I froze and shouted several times. But I know no one can hear me. So I ran towards her, she’s still awake and crying. Her lips and hands were bloody.

I panicked and called hubby. All I can say was that BG fell off the stairs. When he asked me how, I said goodbye and dropped the call. I was in so much panic that I can’t think straight.

We drove to the nearest hospital (that accepts BG’s health card). And informed family and friends (I don’t really remembering who I texted. I just picked people on my phonebook). At the hospital, I can’t even write her name bec I can’t remember. I was asking myself “What’s BG’s name?” My hands were shaking. I wasn’t crying but I was really shaking.

Since I just had my x-ray last month, my brother-in-law accompanied BG on the X-ray room. She was crying only then that I cried. I was praying, saying sorry for being a bad mother, and to give me another chance at motherhood.

I’m not sure if I was breathing normally for the next minutes. I sort of held my breath before the doctor said that the results are normal. Only then I remember hubby who I’m sure was driving as fast as he can to the hospital. So I texted him to drive carefully and that the results are normal. The doctor gave us a list of watch-outs. So far, BG had been acting normal. Dancing, running, talking and shouting. Whew!

But we plan to have her CT-scanned this weekend just to be sure. Please include her in your prayers. Thanks.