23. May 2008

guilt

I feel awful. My mind is filled with “what if’s” and “should have’s” What if I’ve stopped chatting with my boss for a while. That could have waited even for 5 minutes. I should have held on to BG while typing. It was so fast, not even a minute. BG was just standing beside me.

BG fell off our 16-step stairs yesterday. I heard several thuds while I was running when I heard her first cry. I was wondering why it won’t stop. I thought she just slipped on the way to our room. I even saw her falling down from the 3rd step down to the ground. I froze and shouted several times. But I know no one can hear me. So I ran towards her, she’s still awake and crying. Her lips and hands were bloody.

I panicked and called hubby. All I can say was that BG fell off the stairs. When he asked me how, I said goodbye and dropped the call. I was in so much panic that I can’t think straight.

We drove to the nearest hospital (that accepts BG’s health card). And informed family and friends (I don’t really remembering who I texted. I just picked people on my phonebook). At the hospital, I can’t even write her name bec I can’t remember. I was asking myself “What’s BG’s name?” My hands were shaking. I wasn’t crying but I was really shaking.

Since I just had my x-ray last month, my brother-in-law accompanied BG on the X-ray room. She was crying only then that I cried. I was praying, saying sorry for being a bad mother, and to give me another chance at motherhood.

I’m not sure if I was breathing normally for the next minutes. I sort of held my breath before the doctor said that the results are normal. Only then I remember hubby who I’m sure was driving as fast as he can to the hospital. So I texted him to drive carefully and that the results are normal. The doctor gave us a list of watch-outs. So far, BG had been acting normal. Dancing, running, talking and shouting. Whew!

But we plan to have her CT-scanned this weekend just to be sure. Please include her in your prayers. Thanks.

21 Comments

1. Aggie commented on May 23, 2008 at 12:49 pm

OMG, I dont know what to say – but thank God everything went OK. It was an accident Thea, you just need to forgive yourself for it. I hope BG fully recovers.

Aggies last blog post..Miss Preppy.

2. thea commented on May 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm

thanks Aggie. honestly I kept telling that to myself. that it was an accident. mapapanatag lang ako pag ok ang CT scan nya.

3. something purple commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:00 pm

naku i know how you’re feeling, im glad BG’s ok. she will be even after the CT scan. hugs sis!

4. thea commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:18 pm

thanks Em!

5. diane commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:32 pm

OMG Thea! I know the feeling. Ganyan din na feel ko nung ni rush din namin si Huey sa hospital before he died. I was praying to God na bigyan nya pa ako ng pagkakataon to be a mom to him. Kaso di na pumayag si God and a month ata akong nag blame sa sarili ko on what happened. I am crying na tuloy ngayon. Sorry. Basta magiging ok lang si BG. Don’t worry na. Everything will be fine. You are a good mom to her.

dianes last blog post..Friendship Around The World!

6. thea commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm

hi diane. thanks.
sana nga ok na si BG.
masakit lang talaga sa dibdib.

7. joy commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:43 pm

hey thea, hugs to you! don’t blame yourself, accidents happen all the time. let’s just thank God that she’s okay. though nakakashock talaga esp. the blood on her hands and lips.

how did she fall btw? did she try to go down the stairs?

joys last blog post..Warranty Too late

8. thea commented on May 23, 2008 at 1:58 pm

hi joy. thanks.
i am guessing she was running. natuwa na nakatakas sya from me pero hindi nakapreno. i don’t think she was trying to go down. masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari. nasa tabi ko lang eh, tapos nadinig ko na lang mga untog nya and sigaw nya. medyo malayo din from beside me to the stairs. bibili na nga kami nung harang. mahirap na.

9. Alpha commented on May 23, 2008 at 2:25 pm

I dnt know what to say. I am glad BG’s ok na. Dnt blame urself na, though i’m guilty of that too when estong has accidents. I can relate to the shaking. I felt that too the first time estong got out of his playpen kse d ko lam kung nalaglag sya o he climbed out. I’ll include her in my prayers. Have faith. Hugs.

10. thea commented on May 23, 2008 at 4:02 pm

Thanks Alpha.
Hirap din kasi not to blame ourselves pag may nangyayari sa kanila.

11. tracy commented on May 23, 2008 at 8:58 pm

sis wag mo masyado sisihin sarili mo. accident yung nangyari. wala naman may gusto nun. glad to know na ok si BG. I’m praying na maging ok din yung ct-scan nya. and I’m also praying for you na sana di ka na masyado mag-alala everything will be ok. smile for us please.

tracys last blog post..Rambunctious Dog

12. Gracie commented on May 23, 2008 at 9:03 pm

i’m so sorry to hear about what happened to BG. i’m glad she’s ok now, and that’s what’s important. don’t be too hard on yourself, thea. what happened was an accident. let’s just pray na walang negative findings sa CT scan.

big hug!

Gracies last blog post..a splash of cold water

13. Apols commented on May 24, 2008 at 11:17 am

sorry to hear this
buti na lang BG is active na.
accidents happen talaga kahit gano mo bantayan ang mga babies.
ung dalawa ko nga malilikot din panay untog naiinis nga ako sa sarili ko din kasi i have to work at the office waaaa pero gnaun talaga. part of growing up

Apolss last blog post..my office profile

14. Mich commented on May 26, 2008 at 12:44 pm

so sorry to hear about what happened! im glad that BG’s results were ok! will be praying for her…

15. abie commented on May 26, 2008 at 4:44 pm

sis, so sorry to hear what happened….i know the feeling too kse maraming beses na din na nauntog si bela. i know na gu-guilty ka talaga, ganyan din naman ako…iniiyakan ko pa minsan sa sobrang guilty ko…pero accident yun sis…just be thankful na nothing bad happened…sabi nila part daw talaga ng paglaki ng bata yun…kung di masasaktan, di daw matututo

abies last blog post..Weekend Snapshot # 6 – The Philippine Eagle

16. Jeanny commented on May 26, 2008 at 11:10 pm

Hi sis…sorry to hear this. I know magiging ok ang lahat for your baby. We’ll include your family in our prayers.

Hugs sis.

Jeannys last blog post..Not again!

17. Vannie commented on May 27, 2008 at 10:22 am

shucks thea, so sorry to hear about BG; glad she’s out of danger.

I’m sure an angel was watching over her kahit papano that’s why nothing serious happened.

Vannies last blog post..TAGGED. All me

18. Tricia commented on May 27, 2008 at 1:12 pm

Hi Thea! I’m so sorry about what happened. Hugs to you. Don’t blame yourself kasi accidents do happen. Looks like BG is okay and has forgotten about the fall.

Tricias last blog post..PPBC #2: I’m Taking My Kid to the Best School

19. jody commented on May 27, 2008 at 3:16 pm

Ey, so how’s BG? hope she’s ok. hugs to you!

jodys last blog post..What happened…

20. Kelly commented on May 28, 2008 at 11:05 am

hi thea, i’m so glad to hear everything’s normal with BG. and please don’t say you’re a bad mother because you are not! i hope to read more of your blog later. i don’t bloghop as much as i used to. i realized na sayang binabayad sakin ng opisina kung surf lang ako ng surf. hehe

Kellys last blog post..I’m An A Type

21. Kelly commented on May 28, 2008 at 11:05 am

btw, tagged you: http://www.100percentkelly.com/2008/05/27/im-an-a-type/